“Toxic Masculinity in the Dating Scene”

How the definition of masculinity sets men up to fail in relationships.

By Mia Puleo

Growing up in the 21st century, most impressionable young boys are taught how to be masculine in an interesting way: to not be feminine. Masculinity is constructed in opposition to femininity because it is most persuasive when understood in a dynamic of negation instead of identity, creating two distinct gender roles. 

However, when one of the gender roles is built on being ashamed of all the qualities the other possesses, it creates a cognitive dissonance in which it is virtually impossible for men to appreciate women’s femininity. 

Masculinity is associated with strength, dominance and aggression, while femininity is associated with gentleness, nurture and passivity. Boys learn how to be men through rejecting these traits associated with women, creating the behavior termed “toxic masculinity.” If manhood means that strength is everything while emotions are a weakness, femininity becomes the means by which somebody can take away a man’s status. Society uses shame to steer men away from feminine ideas, creating an underlying tension where they devalue femininity.

Fragile or toxic masculinity is one of the top drivers of dating conflict and insecurity. The most obvious reason is that men are required to be attracted to and cherish characteristics they were programmed to dislike within themselves. They grow up hearing “Do not be emotional,” “Do not be soft,” and “Do not be dramatic,” yet are expected to find women’s emotional expressiveness attractive and appreciate women’s nurturing disposition. 

This is the background behind a man’s disdain for “dramatic” women. Men’s relationships with women shift into something that has less to do with connection and focuses more on status and validation.

Additionally, dating requires communication, vulnerability and emotional availability, the exact qualities shamed by how “masculine” is defined by society. When boys learn to do the opposite of girls, they miss out on learning key relationship skills, such as emotional literacy, empathy, reading social cues, conflict resolution and asking for needs without shame.

From this, it is no surprise that most heterosexual relationships are doomed to fail. Whether it’s because rejecting femininity is rooted in men’s identity, or because women and men function so differently when it comes to communication, the consequences of an upbringing rooted in toxic masculinity are finally being recognized by society.