Single, Fabulous and Not Settling: The Reality of Being the Single Friend

You don’t have to love it, but you’re not falling behind.

Sofia Galarneau

by Gemma Murphy

There is an episode of Sex and the City in which Carrie Bradshaw is asked to appear on the cover of a magazine celebrating New York City’s “single and fabulous” people.

She imagines a glamorous cover that captures her independence and makes her lifestyle the envy of everyone who sees it. Instead, she appears with unbrushed hair, dark circles under her eyes, a gaunt face and a cigarette in her hand. 

Rather than declaring herself fabulous, the cover poses a question: Single and fabulous?

Not so fabulous after all.

Bradshaw had simply been partying late into the night and needed a good makeup artist. But the fictional cover resonates for a reason: Being single is both glamorized and looked down upon. We celebrate independence in theory, yet question it when everyone around us seems to have found someone.

Whether in my hometown or here in Boston, I have accepted my fate as “the single friend,” or what I call “the perpetual third wheel.” Most of my friends are in relationships, and I sometimes feel as though I am in one myself because of how much relationship advice I give. I may be lost when it comes to relationships, but I have become an expert at navigating singlehood.

Or so I tell myself. 

The single life is often glorified as a time of freedom. We convince ourselves that relationships involve sacrificing fun, independence and spontaneity. It is a comforting narrative, especially when being single feels less like a choice and more like a circumstance.

But that narrative crumbles when you watch a friend in a happy relationship have just as much fun as you do. Suddenly, the freedom you have been celebrating feels less like a consolation prize.

Let's face it: Carrie Bradshaw and Samantha Jones are fictional characters. Our lives do not consist of glamorous outfits, endless nights out and exciting romantic encounters every day. If even pop culture's most iconic advocates for the single life experience loneliness, why should the rest of us be immune?

About a year ago, I looked around my friend group and realized I was one of only two people who were not in a relationship. While my friends figured out how to balance their new relationships with the rest of their lives, I found myself flailing. As someone who values stability, I felt untethered. I was — and still am — jealous of the comfort that comes with having a partner.

Having a significant other can feel like a security blanket. There is comfort in having someone to turn to, someone who chooses you and someone with whom you can share the ordinary details of your day. Relationships also offer a sense of belonging in a society that often treats being coupled up as a milestone of adulthood.

When you are single, that security blanket is missing. You must learn to provide some of that comfort for yourself. Independence can be empowering, but that does not mean the process is free of loneliness.

Then there is the challenge of watching your friendships change.

As more friends enter relationships, the dynamics you once took for granted begin to shift. Spontaneous plans, late-night conversations and the assumption that you will always be each other's first call can become less frequent. Your friends are not necessarily abandoning you; their time and priorities are simply changing.

It can feel as though they no longer need you to fill the space you once occupied in each other's lives. That shift is not inherently bad, but it can be difficult to accept. It requires honest communication and an understanding that friendships can evolve without becoming less meaningful. 

You may have to let go of what your friendships used to look like to make room for what they can become.

Being single when almost everyone around you is in a relationship is hard. But the solution is not to jump into the first relationship that comes along because you are tired of being the odd one out. 

A relationship pursued out of loneliness will not necessarily make you feel less alone.

It is naive to tell someone, “Your time will come,” as though finding a relationship is simply a matter of waiting. Meeting someone requires openness, effort and a willingness to put yourself out there. 

Still, being single does not have to be the purgatory society makes it out to be. It is an opportunity to discover who you are outside a relationship, invest in friendships, explore new interests and build an identity that does not depend on being someone's partner. These are not consolation prizes for people who have yet to find love. They are valuable parts of life in their own right.

You do not have to pretend you love being single every second of every day. You can be happy for your friends and jealous of them at the same time. You can value your independence and still want someone to come home to. Those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

Stop measuring your single life against someone else's relationship. You do not need to convince yourself that being single is glamorous, nor should you fear that it means you are falling behind.

You are not behind. You are simply living a different version of your life — and it deserves to be lived, not just waited through.