To Speak or to Die

Why Kant & Augustine Would Want You to Tell Them You Love Them

By Angelica Marin

Immanuel Kant’s moral pillars are among the best known in philosophy, much like St. Augustine's. These two ethical powerhouses can seem very different, yet their teachings share two key maxims: universality and intention. Universality means their rules apply to everyone, and intention meaning they believe intention carries more weight than consequence. 

Let’s say, for example, your close friend professes their love to you. If you don’t love them back, you may feel a little weirded out, or worse. While the consequences did not work out in your friend’s favor, the intention of getting such a secret off their chest was fulfilled, and they still benefit from the admission, whether the love is requited or not. I believe Augustine and Kant’s shared emphasis on intention over consequence can console unrequited lovers, both real and fictional.

In one of my favorite films, Call Me By Your Name, the main character’s parents console their son after a heartbreak by reading him a story. His mother is reading aloud when the protagonist asks the woman he’s in love with, “Is it better to speak or to die?” (Call Me By Your Name 43:46-44:18). Each of us has our own answers, but to Kant and Augustine, there is no question about it. No matter how something may turn out, or what humiliation you face, if you feel an obligation to speak, you must speak.

When I was sixteen, I had a life-ruining crush on my best friend. It started out small and harmless, but after a few months, it was all I could think about. Honestly, I was in agony. On the Fourth of July, I realized I had to tell him. I had spent hours poring over the possible outcomes, the ridicule I’d face, the people who would find out. I worried I might make him uncomfortable, but I had begun to struggle under the weight of the secret. When I finally told him, he was kind and understanding, but did not feel the same way about me. Tragic, I know. 

Strangely enough, even in the face of my first romantic rejection, I felt lighter. I had gotten something off my chest and had done so bravely, even though I assumed it would not work in my favor. While this may not be the most cinematic depiction of unrequited love, we see this kind of interaction play out all the time. Maybe it’s already happened to you. If not, keep these philosophers in mind when it does. 

Sources: 

Guadagnino, Luca, director. Call Me by Your Name. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2017. 

Kant, Immanuel. “Fundamental Principles of the Metaphysics of Morals .” Ethics The Essential Writings, Random House, New York, NY, 2010, pp. 188–224.