We Need To Talk

(specifically about avoiding difficult conversations)

Sophia Ong

Photograph by Carina McCallum

My least favorite trope in books is the “miscommunication trope.”

You know–the one where an event or verbal exchange is taken one way by one character, another way by the other, and they sulk in secrecy for 70% of the story before finally having the Conversation That Fixes Everything. I’m left shaking at my Kindle, thinking: “Just talk to each other!” 

Frustratingly, the miscommunication (or lack of communication) trope is quite prevalent in real-life relationships. So often, I’ve seen friends remain unhappy in relationships and friendships, avoiding confrontation, exacerbating issues that could’ve been resolved if addressed when they occurred. 

“We need to talk” has turned into a phrase that sends hearts racing and blood pounding. We fear confrontation even when we understand a conversation is necessary. Lamorna Ash writes in her essay “Why Are We So Afraid of Conversation?”: “...British cultural historian Peter Burke notes that in classical Latin, conversatio meant something like “intimacy.” In vernacular languages up to the early modern period in Europe, cognates of conversatio often conveyed a sense of physical closeness: gathering or dwelling together.” 

This increasing discomfort in the act of sharing physical space is familiar to most of us. My friend from Xi’an, China, asks me on the subway: “Why do people here keep saying ‘Sorry?’ They didn’t even bump into me.” I tell him, “Maybe they think they’re in your space.” He looks at me, confused. 

Social disconnection is at a high, whether you believe that to be from social media, COVID, political polarization, or – most likely – a mix of these factors and more.

The diagnosis is the easy part: we feel disconnected from each other, and we’re politer to each other. Social norms have transformed uncomfortable conversations into risky taboos. It’s often more comfortable to keep our issues close to our chests –  like a roommate being too messy, or a close friend who spilled a secret you shared with them – than to bring the problem into the cold light of day and face the potential consequence of a fractured relationship. 

Avoiding difficult conversations will almost certainly fracture the relationship anyway, often in manners much more explosive or immature than necessary. A few minutes of discomfort, awkward silences, or annoyed debate spurs productive conversations that can lead to remediation or cooperation. 

Have the conversation. Speak your mind. We should be kind to one another, but we should also remain truthful. Your relationships will thank you.